It’s always a challenge for me to identify what circumstances I have allowed or created in my life versus what God has allowed. Or what simply is out of my control.
I remember my mother telling me at the end of her life: “Lillibet, no one ever intentionally sets out to be a bad parent. We do the very best we can at that very moment. Sometimes we get it so wrong. Other times we sigh with relief that God got it right”. It wasn’t until Jane was gone that I realized the gem she had been. And now? Here I sit in my quiet time whispering “God, you know my heart, I only wanted to be a good Mama. No a great Mama. The fixer. The mender. The master of my domain. The Savior”.
You see the thing is God loves us so much that He gives us free will. We can teach right from wrong, good from evil. We can love, threaten, punish, ignore, manipulate, and plea. Ultimately it is our fleshly free will that determines our choices. We choose. God lets us choose. And sometimes we choose to play god rather than thinking God is capable of being God.
For those of us who are planners and organizers we want to orchestrate our choices for those we love. Maybe we hold so tightly that our kids don’t ever think they are able to choose their life. Some of us cling too tightly while others not tightly enough. All of us think we are striving for the perfect balance. The perfect path. The perfect future. The reality? We have no control. In the end they choose.
Sometimes we have to let those we love fall. We have to let go. Get out of the way so that He can catch them. We forget God is in the business of saving. We aren’t the life line or the life boat. We aren’t the answer. Because quite frankly we aren’t God.
And I guess that’s what the Lord has been whispering to me these past weeks. Free will. Life is free will because of the cross. And sometimes it hurts. A lot. Sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe. Sometimes the pain is staggering. Blinding. And then? He gently reminds me of the pain He felt when we, His beloved, rebelled (rebel) against Him. He understands our sorrow and our grief. He understands my pain and your pain because He felt it. Died for it. Died for us.
His word promises us that He will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). He’s always there. If we choose to wait for Him. If we choose to trust that He has a divine plan for all of us. A plan that can’t be thwarted no matter how tightly we try to cling. Or save. Or rescue.
So Lord, I’m letting go. I don’t know for how long. And knowing my control freak nature? I probably will (let’s be honest I will) throw you back up on that cross a time or two. But right now? In this moment? By faith I’m choosing to let you be God of something I can control: me. God of what I can’t control: others. With your help hopefully I’ll recognize the difference.
Lord I choose you.
“I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments, I have laid before me.”-Psalm 119:30